Healing...
I used to think of myself as needing to wear a glove for different situations. I had learned to function by wearing a different glove depending on what was going on around me. It was the only way I knew how to cope with change with anything that I thought was difficult to deal with. I have been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few months. I had limited my time on-line because of health issues. A deeper reason for doing this was the need to work on healing old wounds that had been long buried deep inside.
I think it’s terrible to remember something from the past and see it go through your mind like a movie clip. The images fresh and violent - - The violence committed against US. I used to be filled with rage at the injustice! I long to right the wrongs committed but it wouldn’t do any good; the DAMAGE was done long ago. I SURVIVED! I AM NOT DAMAGED!!
Now I have to heal. Part of the process is getting the facets to work together instead of fighting each other. The facets need to know what is going on in all of the aspects of my mind and body. I needed to learn to function more fluidly without memory loss or pain. I focused my energy in becoming more cohesive. I can see me from before and me now. I am healthier. I didn’t realize how much I had changed in the past few months. I have a couple of friends that I relate to on a regular basis our relationships are comfortable, safe. With them I am just myself. I slid back into our friendship as if I had not been gone for long. On the other hand I had some friends that I felt awkward with. It wasn’t until I had started interacting with others that I noticed how drastically I had changed.
I felt the loss of myself and some of my more distinctive traits that belonged to specific facets. I guess I have to realize that the hard work that went into healing was worth it. Talking to a few friends was difficult, I was lost. I didn’t know what was expected or who I was supposed to be in that moment. I Panicked. I found it very difficult to try and slide back into those relationships because of the way the facets interacted with each person, and how those facets dealt with individual friends.
Something I remember from my past was that there was a time in my life that being touched hurt so bad that I cringed at someone wanting to hug me. The pain was constant. I thought about telling someone, anyone but I couldn’t tell. My sister’s life had been threatened. I did what an older sibling would do, protect the younger one. I wish I could have saved US. I kept my silence and buried the secrets deep inside and learned to forget about it. I protected her and my love was the weapon he chose to use against me. Sometimes I wonder how I survived my childhood.
I remember I didn’t break. I bent but I didn’t break. At times I wonder and am amazed at my capacity to love. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life. I am proud of myself and the healing I have done. Trusting is hard to do, but now I know that most people won’t manipulate me by using my emotions against me. I love my sister. I can see the good times I had with my father, I can love him in that moment but as to the rest a part of me loathes him. I prefer not feeling anything toward him. That usually means that the wound is deep, and when its time to work on that I will cry and deal with the new me and heal even more.
I wonder if this really makes sense. It seems that I tend to ramble as I write when I have a break through. I guess that doesn’t matter as long as it makes sense to me and helps me get better.
