Subtle Cruelties...

Subtle Cruelties...

Remembering things from my past at times can be upsetting and disconcerting especially when a few of the situations have me reflecting back to when I was a teenager.

My friend, GL, was hurt because someone was spiteful and contrived a relationship with her in order to use her to get to know me. The deceiver had wanted to be my friend but decided that she had to use subversive tactics to get what she wanted. Then once she had been introduced to me; she quit talking to GL, she didn’t have to really say anything I could tell that it hurt when that conniving person entered our lives. GL did not deserve being hurt for any reason and what the deceiver did was wrong and hurtful.

This situation triggered memories of things that happened while I was growing up. There were a few years in high school that my sister hated me. We barely spoke. I think she really hated me. We had knock down drag out fights. I would defend my younger siblings from her. She would go into rages out of the blue. Our clashes were colossal. At times I had to have my siblings lock themselves in the room with the phone and standing instructions to call a parent if I didn’t return after 20 minutes.

My sister at the time was very strong in her upper body and I was stronger with my legs. She would take a couple of punches at me and I would pull back and kick her. It was not uncommon to throw something. She took out a lot of her frustration and rage with me or at me. It depends on the way that you look at it. We had some knock down drag out fights. We were almost evenly matched. We actually hurt each other pretty bad a few times.

During my high school years we weren’t sisterly friends at all. We were more like adversaries. She didn’t like her friends meeting me. I don’t know why they liked me more. I never set out to make her friends like me. Most of the time I either hid in my room so that she wouldn’t think that I was trying to take her friends away or tried to not be home when they were around. What is it about me that attracts people –to me even when I am trying to keep a low profile so to speak? I don’t understand what others have seen in me all of my life; but whatever it was it caused more problems for me as a teenager than anything else did.

I guess it’s possible that my sister was jealous of me, my ease with people and my out-going personality could have been the issue with her. Maybe she figured out that I also liked girls and was trying to keep the girls she liked away from me. Now that is a thought that hadn’t crossed my mind until now. She never liked her girlfriends to meet me. I never understood why. Thinking about the situation from this angle sheds more light on a murky subject and piques my curiosity now. I wonder if she really figured it out way back then. What would I have been like if I had let the different ‘facets’ explore more in high school? I don’t know if I would have survived, as it is I barely did.

I see pictures of me as a young lady and I see a nice smile and sparkling eyes, but nothing out of the ordinary. I don’t see what would make others want to be my friend. When I was little I remember being the ugly duckling. I didn’t have close friends. We traveled to Germany a couple of times. I use the term ‘friends’ loosely. I knew people but they really weren’t my friends. Someone always wanted something from me. The kids that lived in the neighborhood always teased and taunted me as a child. I basically had my siblings as friends.

I guess after I got my hair cut and the braces came off I looked different. I was someone different. Maybe I was. I guess that was when Cassandra came out. She exuded sex. She had power over men and used it. I was 17 when I had my first surgery I returned to school almost 2 months into the school year in my senior year. I found out that instead of being the editor for the yearbook – I had been demoted to a section editor, instead of being the co editor for the school paper – I was a copy editor, and then not being a contributing editor on the literary magazine really pissed me off.

Before surgery I had dated someone and while I was in the hospital he found someone else. When I returned to school he dropped her, because I was back. He was making plans for the rest of the year. Including summer – he wanted to take me shopping for a bikini. I said sorry I don’t wear them. He had the gall to say ‘my girl friends always wear bikinis for me.’ I said that I was not into being a display to be ogled and that I wasn’t comfortable because of the scars from surgery. He responded that he couldn’t date me anymore because of those 2 issues. Cassandra became wicked pissed about that. I do remember when She came out that time it had felt like She had been very deep inside and that She was spiraling up so fast grabbing onto some rage and cold anger and wrapped herself in it and blasted into me taking over. She used hypnosis to alter his perception of the situation and had him follow her around a few weeks just so that she could tell him no each time he asked her to go out with him again.

How shallow can someone be? I have always wondered about that. I was thin for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and then all of those things happened in relatively close succession. I spiraled into the darkness inside me. I think Cassandra was in control for about 2 weeks and Crimson had to put her away again. People can be so cruel. People wonder why I have a low self image. These are just a few of the reasons that I have always had a difficult time believing when someone gives me a compliment. I try to be gracious but sometimes I still don’t see what others see.

I know that I am speaking in 2 different tenses both past and present and also first and third person. At that point in time I was not aware of the blackouts and switching. I didn’t know that I had DID. So it is easier to distinguish the moments by the way they happened to pop into my mind.It's also easier to refer to the 'facet' that was in control too. I don't say this to avoid responsibility but to define what that 'facets' duties were.

Following The Dance

Following The Dance

She put on the choker with the crystal thinking about the evening ahead. She decided to wear the mostly backless halter with the plunging décolletage. The crystal was nestled between her luscious breasts framed on either side by the halter top. She slid on her black, tight fitting leather pants and buckled on her favorite stiletto heels on. She surveyed herself in the mirror and was positive that she would be the center of attention this evening. She left her hair down to cascade down her luscious back; she enjoyed how hedonistic it made her feel. She had put on the minimal in makeup – her signature crimson red lipstick, eyeliner and mascara. She dabbed on some Insolence by Guerlain, her favorite scent. She finally decided that she was ready to face the evening; but was still contemplating what the evening ahead had in store for her as she stepped into the elevator.


As she exited the elevator she thought about her love and how he was going to be there watching over her. He would know that she would be flirting with someone else. She knew it would drive them both wild; especially since she would be with him after she was finished. It didn’t worry him that she would be flirting with someone else; he knew that this was something that she needed to be happy. He wasn’t worried about what she was going to do. He already knew that she would need some kind of outlet for her sensuality. It was almost like there was so much in her that her slight body couldn’t contain it all. This was a way for her to use her talents and let her tease and torment someone else. He would reap the benefits after the fact. He smiled thinking that it was also a way to add some spiciness to their lives. He knew deep down that she needed to use some of her many talents to be happy. He watched her as she sauntered into the bar.


He noticed several of the bar staff watching her as she entered and walked past him to a stool in the middle of the bar. She ordered herself her usual and began the process of selecting her prey. Glancing around the dim room she was already aroused knowing that he was watching her. He moved his head subtly, motioning toward a couple. They were sitting toward the back of the bar, where it was quieter. The couple was attractive together – he was a handsome, dark haired gentleman and she a beautiful, buxom, red-head. You glance back over at him and he winks – he knows your weakness for red-heads.


Her smile was feral like as she turned back to watch the couple. He knew that he had made a very good choice once he saw her smile that way. She was already deciding how to approach them. At the back of her mind she was thinking that he was exploiting her weakness for his own gain; but seeing the red-head again made her forget that thought.


She took her drink over to the table where the couple was, she introduced herself and asked if she could sit with them while she waited for her date. They introduced themselves as Chris and Kate. She noticed that Chris hadn’t taken his eyes off of her cleavage until Kate elbowed him. He blinked, glancing at Kate. She asked what they were up to; as she continued to talk to them she was sliding her fingers on the chain that held the crystal between her breasts. Chris’ eyes kept drifting from her fingers to her breasts and to the crystal.


She began speaking to Kate very quietly as she continued to subtly make the crystal sparkle to keep Chris’ attention on her, and not Kate. Chris’ attention was focused on her completely. She touched Kate’s hand and told her to relax even more. Kate felt so good that she let herself relax even more. She didn’t really know the beautiful stranger, but her voice was so soothing. She was completely fixated on her now. She whispered that when she touched her she would be deeply hypnotized. Kate’s eyes glazed over as she slid her hand on her arm. She directed Kate to close her eyes and sit still like a statue. Kate wanted to obey.


Now it was time for Chris to have her undivided attention. She smiled at Chris knowing that he was intently watching her fingers and the sparkling crystal. She became more aroused as she guided Chris to relax even more. Chris was hard pressed to understand what was going on. He was dazzled by this woman; he completely forgot that Kate was even there. She whispered that Chris would try and resist her but that in the end he would fall under her spell. The more he resisted the faster and deeper that he would fall.


In his mind Chris didn’t believe a word she was saying. Things like this do not happen to him. Chris tried to look away from the crystal but he couldn’t take his eyes away from it. She demanded his attention dangling the crystal close to her face. He was unable to look away. Chris heard her as she was whispering suggestions. She was the only thing he could hear. You will spiral so easily for Me, spinning deeper and deeper. So easily. So completely. So deeply entranced by Me. You will focus on My words and relax even deeper for Me. She noticed that Chris’ breathing had deepened. You will obey Me. You will sink even deeper for Me, deeper under My spell. You will relax even more, and spiral deeper and deeper into your submission to Me.


Whenever you see My crystal you will spiral so deeply, so easily, so quickly, so completely under My spell. My voice, your guide to deepening your submission. My voice floats through your mind as you continue to see the sparkling crystal dangling in front of your eyes, your will to resist melts away as you gaze at the crystal. My will rules now. Feel your submission grow. Needing to be under My spell. Craving My voice, Wanting to feel the sensual shivers as I whisper to you. Yearning to spiral so deeply for Me. You hear the thundering of your heart as you feel the Needs swirling inside you. Feel them increase in strength as you continue to stare at the crystal. Willingly you follow My voice deeper into your submission, deeper into your darker fantasies, into your darker desires.


Your body and mind responding to My wants and desires. The Need to Obey grows as you sink deeper and deeper into your fantasies. My voice echoing through your mind. You will spiral so easily for Me, spinning deeper and deeper. So easily. So completely. So deeply entranced by Me. My words relax you even deeper. You will Obey Me. You will sink even deeper for Me, deeper under My spell. You will relax even more, and spiral deeper and deeper into your submission to Me. Smiling at you knowing that your mind is completely Mine. You hear Me whisper for you to pay the tab and follow Me out of the bar. You are so Obedient; such a good pet.


After following My instructions you follow Me out of the bar. She is a goddess, you think feeling so good, following directions.




Kit Masters © October 28, 2010

Why Forgive?

Why Forgive?

I was thinking out loud and was trying to figure out why I should forgive my father for the things that he did.  I have mixed emotions when it comes to him. For a long time I wanted to feel nothing for him because I didn’t want to give him anything else. Not that I gave him what he took. I have a deep repugnance for him, but a part of me wants to feel compassion for him and wants to love him no matter what he did. I guess the next step in my healing process is to deal with the emotions a little at a time.

He took so much from me before I even knew I was missing those things. I had hidden everything deep inside myself. Those pieces that I had buried started to resurface and I found I didn’t know how to function and coping was difficult. I saw myself as different facets, all of them around to perform a specific duty, and eventually I was more comfortable as a facet rather than myself. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone but me.

I had broken into pieces and then broken those pieces even smaller. It was the only way I survived for so long in the world I was in. Now each facet had its own time line, memories and abilities. Each facet had a specific job and everything was kept compartmentalized. It was the sanest way I could function. Then I started to fall apart, I was showing signs of stress and I started realizing that I could no longer cope in this manner.

The coping strategy that I was using up until this time was letting my facets do their jobs. Through therapy I have learned new coping mechanisms. I am in the process of learning to be comfortable within my own skin instead of feeling like I’m always wearing a glove.

I have decided I don’t like the term ‘alters’ because it makes me feel like I’m broken. When I clearly know that I am not. I prefer the word ‘faceted’ because it reminds me of a gem. I happen to consider myself a gem; vibrant, multi-faceted, precious and unique. I am not broken and I am learning to associate more rather than falling back on my safe stand by – disassociation.

I don’t even remember what prompted me to start writing on this topic. I guess it was time to write and purge it from my system, so that I can continue to grow and heal. I guess I needed to write about this because deep down I think there is a conflict. Love and hate. For a time I wanted him to disappear. I just wanted to be apart from him and from my memories. Lately I’m not scared of them like I used to be. Each time a memory surfaces we look at what’s been revealed and we let the emotions flow through us and we can work through the fallout from one of the memory bombs. *smiles* ‘Memory bombs’ boy that phrase really fits what it is. I must be doing better in the coping department because I am smiling and laughing while I write this.

I re-lived parts of my life through these memories. At first it was very hard to deal with because it felt like I was there; I was in shock because I didn’t know where they came from. It took a few years to accept the things that I was finding out. Now I have several different questions that are floating through my mind, like: Can I love someone that broke trust with me? Can I forgive the person? Can I move on without all of the pain that was caused by that person?

It’s been over 10 years since I last spoke to him. I don’t think I want to see or speak to him any time soon if at all. I can remember some nice things and treasure who he was in that specific moment. I find I can love him in that moment and loathe him for what he did to me. But if I think like that, then the person I am now wouldn’t be around. I have mixed feelings about my life but I think I really like who I am becoming.

I guess it doesn’t really matter right now as to whether or not he deserves forgiveness. The important thing is for me to forgive and move on, grow & learn more about myself. *my head hurts now* Can I forgive him for causing me pain? Can I forgive what he did? Can I let go and move on? Could I have done something differently? All of these questions float through my mind as I write. Can I forgive myself? Why do I feel like I failed? Can I let it all go and move on? I know that I didn’t do anything that I need to forgive. Deep down I know that as a child I couldn’t do anything to change what happened to me. I cried for the small child. I am working through some of the things. I love the child I was. In a way she is still around. She ran away for a long time and then she came back. She isn’t going to leave again. She left because she couldn’t face what happened to her. Now we can. We will heal but it just takes time. I have all of the time in the world.

Several therapists have said I couldn’t do this on my own but I will heal myself. I will think positive thoughts. I will let the pain and the things that hurt melt away. I will keep the positive things in mind and focus on the elements that I can change and those are the ones that I will expand on.

I guess this is a major part of my healing process – writing. I can write it all down and it leaves my system and I can work through it at my own pace without over taxing myself. I know I don’t have to figure it all right now. I can take my time. 

I wrote this August 29, 2005.

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I wrote this about 5 years ago and didn't post it. At the time I wasn't ready to. I'm not really sure why I didn't. It's been over 15 years since I last saw my abuser. I do not miss him.  

I have grown so much since I wrote this. My husband was a great help to me in becoming more integrated. I do not say that my journey is complete by any means. I don't think I have told him how much it meant to me that he took the time, energy, and love to help me heal. I owe him a great debt. In getting to know him I admitted to him that I had been on the edge. Always thinking about suicide, yet not wanting my son to be the one to find me. I think that was one reason that he had decided to help me. It was getting to me not remembering the simple things much less something more important.

He took the time to get to know me and the different 'facets' inside me. In some cases he had to use different tactics in order to draw them out. Each one he met he learned; who they were and what their task was. He explained to each one that it was necessary to get some cooperation. He wanted a promise from each one that they would not hide the memories and that they would let him know who was out and in control.

At times as 'facets' decided that it was safe to go away he helped them to find peace as he helped the remaining ones adjust to the subtle changes that was wrought with each melding. There are several 'facets' that had fought long and hard to be the most dominant - they in particular did not want to go. They wanted to continue as it had been.

An aspect that I had forgotten about was the anger and rage that was bottled up inside. The more dominant the 'facet' the more anger or rage that was built up and essentially stored until it was needed; until it needed to be unleashed. Some of the 'facets' were sleeping and fought when they thought that there would not be a chance to exist. Cassandra was one that was so angry, She did not want to go. She wanted to live. She wanted to exist. She had been locked up deep inside after Her decision to have a submissive at the age of 15. It had been decided that Cassandra could not be allowed to be out any more unless it was to perform her duties.


There was an entity that was male in nature that hated everyone and everything. It had wanted to destroy the softer ones inside, just because it could. I don't really remember what happened with it. Shawn had gotten permission from Mistress' Angelique and Crimson to destroy it; so that it could not hurt someone that We cared for.

Sometimes I don't really know how Shawn survived the backlash of anger that was unleashed whenever someone didn't get what they wanted. Shawn was patient and inventive when it came to dealing with the many 'facets' whether they were ones to stay inside or ones that tended to be out more. It was hard work to get to this point. 

He explained to them how precarious the situation was and let them decide what the best course of action was. This is where I am now. I am more together now than at any time in the past. I am happy that the 'facets' have become more like a committee. Several of them do not like to do the menial tasks in life; like cook, clean or drive. Which left it to a few others to do those things.

I had noticed that as we became more integrated I realized that I had more skills and talents that had been added to my arsenal. I tend to visualize my mind like a computer system and sometimes it takes a few minutes to access the specialized information that had normally been a specific duty for someone that had opted to integrate. 

Hypnosis was used for part of the process. I don't really know if this would work on everyone but it worked for me. I know it was an unconventional way to work toward integration but I didn't have many 'facets' that trusted the doctors. Some I think just wanted to be loved for who they were and perhaps feel appreciated for the 'work' they did. 

I know, love and trust were a very big part of the process. Without those two things it would not have worked. My husband is brilliant. He is why I am here -  now. I never told anyone how bad it had gotten. It was easy to mask the pain with a smile, while inside the pieces of myself were cutting me, driving the pain deeper.

Right now I still don't know if I actually want to forgive My abuser. Perhaps it may not happen. I think that when the time is right and I have done more healing maybe it will happen at some point in the future. I asked myself if I honestly felt like forgiving him, but I don't and to say that I would when I don't mean it would be a lie. 

As I was re-reading  everything that I had written. It hit me that only the softer more compassionate 'facets' want to forgive. While the more dominant ones do not. I guess it will be up to them to decide when forgiveness has been earned. Yet how can forgiveness be earned if the abuser makes no move to earn it?


I decided that I could forgive myself for being a child, and for being unable to protect myself. I can forgive myself and let the self hatred melt away so that I can continue to grow and move forward.

The Dance

The Dance

You find yourself sitting in the hotel bar having a drink, not wanting to think about you day. You hear the soft music in the background. The bartender is busy flirting with someone as you wait for another drink. You just want her to notice that you need another refill. You hear a husky laugh, you turn searching for it, when she walks in. You are stunned, she is so beautiful, the woman walking in is wearing a dark purple dress -- the bodice is like a halter top, and the skirt fans out as she saunters in. The skirt caresses her legs as she moves. You can't resist watching her. She has long, wavy, dark hair, one of you weaknesses. You notice that she is tanned and has dark mysterious eyes. You feel like you could just sink into them if you had the chance. 

She smiles at you and walks toward you. You hear her asking if she can sit next to you, but you just stare at her. She asks you again if the seat next to you is empty, and you finally nod. She smiles at you and asks if you want another drink, you are so tongue tied you just nod. She gets the bartenders attention and points to your drink and asks for a Cosmo with a lime twist. She looks at you and smiles. She asks you if you have a name and you finally respond with your name, she tells you hers and then asks if you would like to dance.

 In your mind you have so much you want to say and do but you can't seem to speak. You just nod and follow her to the dance floor. She slides into your arms like she has always danced with you. She follows your lead. You pull her closer to you, enfolding her in your arms. She melts against you, laying her head on your shoulder. The music changes but you continue to dance in your own world. Unconsciously you begun sliding your hands on her back, her skin so smooth and warm, you notice her dress is backless and dips quite low. She almost purrs as you stroke her back. You feel her shiver in your arms. She responds to your every touch. It drives you wild. 

You want her like no one else. You can't fathom it. She sighs softly. You tuck her in tighter to your body, caressing her shoulders down her back and sliding down her ass, lightly stroking her, wanting to press her closer. She slides her hands between your bodies and caresses you. The two of you continue to dance this way close, touching, feeling the beat of the music. Your blood is on fire, you want to taste her; it’s almost a need that's coursing through your veins. She turns her head toward your neck and flicks her tongue out sliding it up nibbling her way back down to your collar bone. You hiss as you feel her nibbling on you. Your body is so aroused as you continue to touch her and she you. You both are wrapped in each other’s arms in a sensual haze. No words or thoughts intrude; only sensations and feelings. They become stronger with each song that you dance to. Both of you being seduced by each other, by the music, by the need growing between you. 

You dance her back toward a darkened corner of the room, you know that there are only 3 other people in the room and no one is in the area that you are leading her too. You press her against the wall as you gaze down into her eyes. She is as aroused as you are. You can see that her nipples are tight buds against her dress. You slide your hands up her tummy and cup her breasts sliding your thumbs across her nipples. She sucks in a breath and gazes up at you. You love watching her eyes, you can read what she is feeling as you continue to stroke her nipples, pinching them a little, and you hear her gasp. 

She twines her arms around your neck and pulls you close, whispering that the dress unties at the neck. You slide your hands up her back and gently pull the tie, pressing her back against the wall shielding her from on lookers you look your fill, never having dreamt any of this encounter. You watch her as she slides her hands up to her breasts and caresses them while you watch; she offers them up to you. Leaning close you nuzzle her as you slide your tongue over one nipple and begin massaging the other one. She groans as you taste her. She runs her hands through your hair as she tries to press you closer. You switch to the other one and nip at it to hear her moan. The sound she makes arouses you even more. 

You feel the texture of the wall and quickly spin her around to face the wall. You press against her knowing that her breasts will rub against the wall. You grab her hair and bare her neck and bite her listening to her pant, she presses back against you, groaning she relaxes. You whisper, asking her if her breasts feel good press against the wall; she doesn't respond until you ask her if she needs to feel your tongue sliding across her nipples. She tries to press closer to you but you grab both of her wrists and extend them up over her head using your shoulder to keep her against the wall; you slide your free hand around to her breast and being fondling it; you whisper all the things that you want to do to her and listen to her breathing change. 

You slide you hand down from her breast touching her soft skin; sliding it along the fabric that is bunched at her waist. You slowly gather the fabric in your free hand as you press her against the wall, sliding your hand down; splaying your hand across her abdomen. She gasps as your hand teases her; your finger sliding across the edge of her lacy panties. Slipping your finger under the lacy edge her breath hitches, you can feel her heat. She is so very hot. She presses against you hand, please she whispers. You tease her by sliding your finger up and down her; she is drenched. You ease one finger inside her and you whisper, cum for me. You kiss her deeply as she orgasms; you drink her as she continues to orgasm. 

Sliding another finger inside of her you whisper that she will have another amazing orgasm and not make a sound since you want to nibble on her. She whispers please. Sliding a third finger in you nibble and bite her neck, her body dances under your touch, She makes no sound as you feel her body clench up; you feel her clamp down on your fingers, milking them as wave after wave of orgasms roll through her. You find that sweet spot and work it furiously she is a mass of nerves feeling everything that you are doing to her body. She feels your fingers inside her as you tease and torment her breast. 

She is bound by her desire for you and what you are doing to her to realize that you are no longer holding her hands bound. You work her body to a fever pitch; she then feels your hand on her ass caressing her soft skin. Then she feels the coldness of the blade pressed against her skin. Using the blade oh so carefully you cut her panties off, she orgasms again leaning back against you. Pressing your arousal against her she realizes that she had missed some things going on. You slide into her and capture her mouth as she orgasms again. You drink her kiss until you feel that she has calmed down. You slide out of her, and fix her dress. 

She kneels down and slides her tongue on you, licking you clean. You watch as she picks up her panties and slips them into your jacket pocket. You help her up and escort her back to the bar where your drinks are still waiting. You help her onto the stool turning her to face the mirror, you tell her to close her eyes. She complies. You slide the blue velvet box out of your pocket and quietly open it taking out the garnet choker with the teardrop shaped crystal; you ask her to move her hair off of her neck you quickly drape the choker the way you want it and fasten it. You murmur that she may open her eyes. You watch her reaction in the mirror. 

The jeweler made the choker to your specifications and it’s more than perfect. The crystal is perfect nestled between her breasts. She looks stunning in the choker. You whisper happy birthday darlin'. She looks at you and smiles, thank you, my love; my birthday couldn't get better than this. She pulls you close and kisses you deeply. She’s already thinking about what she is going to do with her new present.

To Be Continued...

Kit Masters ©  Written September 20, 2010.

A Note...

A Note...

Originally I had planned on just re-posting my poetry and re publishing my other writing on the original date that I posted it but after reading through some of the posts. There would have been too many difficult things to read without having the softer, more sensual writing that I do as a way to escape the harsh reality of my memories.


I use my various blogs to express myself in ways that I can't not explain or vocalize. Sometimes I use music, colors and words to help me express my feelings when I can't explain or understand what I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am so far behind others in maturity and at other times I feel so old. 


I have re-connected with some old friends and I have made some new friends. I have been reminiscing about the past, missing friends that are gone and a time long forgotten. New friends remind me that there is no reason to miss the past but to look forward to the future and the many possibilities that it contains.


I was really sad today because in remembering the past I always remember the fun Gemini Pussycat, Gentle Lady and I had. Sometimes we didn't sleep and we would stay up late into the night keeping each other company. Sometimes making fractals and discussing different colors and how those particular colors could change your demeanor. Gemini Pussycat died years ago and yet the pain of losing her is sometimes still so fresh. I don't know why her death always hits me so hard at times. I will be fine for a while and something will throw me for a loop and I miss her terribly. I guess I just haven't healed from that wound.


I miss the times when Gentle Lady and I would do a room trance and take out everyone in the room just because it was so much fun to see how long it would take to trance the ones in the room. I really miss being able to indulge in my voice fetish. *smiles* 


Shawn tells me that I am better than I used to be. It amazes me that there have been so many changes since I started my blogs. My writing styles are very different now. I have been reading things that I wrote years ago and I can connect with the emotions that I was feeling. I forgot how brutal some of the things I wrote were. It kinda jarred me back in time, and I was there again. I came back to myself quicker than I used to and I had to take a break from reading my poems for a bit. 


You might not like some of the things I write but it's for me. I choose to post it because there is someone out there that might be helped by what I have written. I have DID or MPD as it is sometimes referred to. Shawn helped me so much in healing myself and learning to function as a whole instead of pieces. Some of the words that I used in describing myself were facets, gloves, masks, pieces and shards. I have since learned that I am like a sparkling jewel with many interesting facets, or a stunning outfit with opera gloves, or a Venetian mask that goes with a gorgeous costume for Carnival in Venice, the pieces of an intricate puzzle that fit just so, or shards of a broken mirror that has been carefully mended and made new.


I am truly fortunate to have so many friends that care about me. Sometimes the past is fuzzy and that is okay, because the future is clear and bright.