Why Forgive?

Why Forgive?

I was thinking out loud and was trying to figure out why I should forgive my father for the things that he did.  I have mixed emotions when it comes to him. For a long time I wanted to feel nothing for him because I didn’t want to give him anything else. Not that I gave him what he took. I have a deep repugnance for him, but a part of me wants to feel compassion for him and wants to love him no matter what he did. I guess the next step in my healing process is to deal with the emotions a little at a time.

He took so much from me before I even knew I was missing those things. I had hidden everything deep inside myself. Those pieces that I had buried started to resurface and I found I didn’t know how to function and coping was difficult. I saw myself as different facets, all of them around to perform a specific duty, and eventually I was more comfortable as a facet rather than myself. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone but me.

I had broken into pieces and then broken those pieces even smaller. It was the only way I survived for so long in the world I was in. Now each facet had its own time line, memories and abilities. Each facet had a specific job and everything was kept compartmentalized. It was the sanest way I could function. Then I started to fall apart, I was showing signs of stress and I started realizing that I could no longer cope in this manner.

The coping strategy that I was using up until this time was letting my facets do their jobs. Through therapy I have learned new coping mechanisms. I am in the process of learning to be comfortable within my own skin instead of feeling like I’m always wearing a glove.

I have decided I don’t like the term ‘alters’ because it makes me feel like I’m broken. When I clearly know that I am not. I prefer the word ‘faceted’ because it reminds me of a gem. I happen to consider myself a gem; vibrant, multi-faceted, precious and unique. I am not broken and I am learning to associate more rather than falling back on my safe stand by – disassociation.

I don’t even remember what prompted me to start writing on this topic. I guess it was time to write and purge it from my system, so that I can continue to grow and heal. I guess I needed to write about this because deep down I think there is a conflict. Love and hate. For a time I wanted him to disappear. I just wanted to be apart from him and from my memories. Lately I’m not scared of them like I used to be. Each time a memory surfaces we look at what’s been revealed and we let the emotions flow through us and we can work through the fallout from one of the memory bombs. *smiles* ‘Memory bombs’ boy that phrase really fits what it is. I must be doing better in the coping department because I am smiling and laughing while I write this.

I re-lived parts of my life through these memories. At first it was very hard to deal with because it felt like I was there; I was in shock because I didn’t know where they came from. It took a few years to accept the things that I was finding out. Now I have several different questions that are floating through my mind, like: Can I love someone that broke trust with me? Can I forgive the person? Can I move on without all of the pain that was caused by that person?

It’s been over 10 years since I last spoke to him. I don’t think I want to see or speak to him any time soon if at all. I can remember some nice things and treasure who he was in that specific moment. I find I can love him in that moment and loathe him for what he did to me. But if I think like that, then the person I am now wouldn’t be around. I have mixed feelings about my life but I think I really like who I am becoming.

I guess it doesn’t really matter right now as to whether or not he deserves forgiveness. The important thing is for me to forgive and move on, grow & learn more about myself. *my head hurts now* Can I forgive him for causing me pain? Can I forgive what he did? Can I let go and move on? Could I have done something differently? All of these questions float through my mind as I write. Can I forgive myself? Why do I feel like I failed? Can I let it all go and move on? I know that I didn’t do anything that I need to forgive. Deep down I know that as a child I couldn’t do anything to change what happened to me. I cried for the small child. I am working through some of the things. I love the child I was. In a way she is still around. She ran away for a long time and then she came back. She isn’t going to leave again. She left because she couldn’t face what happened to her. Now we can. We will heal but it just takes time. I have all of the time in the world.

Several therapists have said I couldn’t do this on my own but I will heal myself. I will think positive thoughts. I will let the pain and the things that hurt melt away. I will keep the positive things in mind and focus on the elements that I can change and those are the ones that I will expand on.

I guess this is a major part of my healing process – writing. I can write it all down and it leaves my system and I can work through it at my own pace without over taxing myself. I know I don’t have to figure it all right now. I can take my time. 

I wrote this August 29, 2005.

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I wrote this about 5 years ago and didn't post it. At the time I wasn't ready to. I'm not really sure why I didn't. It's been over 15 years since I last saw my abuser. I do not miss him.  

I have grown so much since I wrote this. My husband was a great help to me in becoming more integrated. I do not say that my journey is complete by any means. I don't think I have told him how much it meant to me that he took the time, energy, and love to help me heal. I owe him a great debt. In getting to know him I admitted to him that I had been on the edge. Always thinking about suicide, yet not wanting my son to be the one to find me. I think that was one reason that he had decided to help me. It was getting to me not remembering the simple things much less something more important.

He took the time to get to know me and the different 'facets' inside me. In some cases he had to use different tactics in order to draw them out. Each one he met he learned; who they were and what their task was. He explained to each one that it was necessary to get some cooperation. He wanted a promise from each one that they would not hide the memories and that they would let him know who was out and in control.

At times as 'facets' decided that it was safe to go away he helped them to find peace as he helped the remaining ones adjust to the subtle changes that was wrought with each melding. There are several 'facets' that had fought long and hard to be the most dominant - they in particular did not want to go. They wanted to continue as it had been.

An aspect that I had forgotten about was the anger and rage that was bottled up inside. The more dominant the 'facet' the more anger or rage that was built up and essentially stored until it was needed; until it needed to be unleashed. Some of the 'facets' were sleeping and fought when they thought that there would not be a chance to exist. Cassandra was one that was so angry, She did not want to go. She wanted to live. She wanted to exist. She had been locked up deep inside after Her decision to have a submissive at the age of 15. It had been decided that Cassandra could not be allowed to be out any more unless it was to perform her duties.


There was an entity that was male in nature that hated everyone and everything. It had wanted to destroy the softer ones inside, just because it could. I don't really remember what happened with it. Shawn had gotten permission from Mistress' Angelique and Crimson to destroy it; so that it could not hurt someone that We cared for.

Sometimes I don't really know how Shawn survived the backlash of anger that was unleashed whenever someone didn't get what they wanted. Shawn was patient and inventive when it came to dealing with the many 'facets' whether they were ones to stay inside or ones that tended to be out more. It was hard work to get to this point. 

He explained to them how precarious the situation was and let them decide what the best course of action was. This is where I am now. I am more together now than at any time in the past. I am happy that the 'facets' have become more like a committee. Several of them do not like to do the menial tasks in life; like cook, clean or drive. Which left it to a few others to do those things.

I had noticed that as we became more integrated I realized that I had more skills and talents that had been added to my arsenal. I tend to visualize my mind like a computer system and sometimes it takes a few minutes to access the specialized information that had normally been a specific duty for someone that had opted to integrate. 

Hypnosis was used for part of the process. I don't really know if this would work on everyone but it worked for me. I know it was an unconventional way to work toward integration but I didn't have many 'facets' that trusted the doctors. Some I think just wanted to be loved for who they were and perhaps feel appreciated for the 'work' they did. 

I know, love and trust were a very big part of the process. Without those two things it would not have worked. My husband is brilliant. He is why I am here -  now. I never told anyone how bad it had gotten. It was easy to mask the pain with a smile, while inside the pieces of myself were cutting me, driving the pain deeper.

Right now I still don't know if I actually want to forgive My abuser. Perhaps it may not happen. I think that when the time is right and I have done more healing maybe it will happen at some point in the future. I asked myself if I honestly felt like forgiving him, but I don't and to say that I would when I don't mean it would be a lie. 

As I was re-reading  everything that I had written. It hit me that only the softer more compassionate 'facets' want to forgive. While the more dominant ones do not. I guess it will be up to them to decide when forgiveness has been earned. Yet how can forgiveness be earned if the abuser makes no move to earn it?


I decided that I could forgive myself for being a child, and for being unable to protect myself. I can forgive myself and let the self hatred melt away so that I can continue to grow and move forward.