My Random Thoughts

My Random Thoughts

I haven't written anything in a while and I dislike feeling like I'm not being creative. I haven't been able to focus on things that I do want to write when I do start on something. I have started several different stories or poems and I haven't been able to finish any of them.  It makes me sad that I can't complete something that I love.

I have misplaced my confidence in myself for some reason; I seem to be second guessing myself and choices that I have made recently. It's disconcerting and I think I undermine my self-confidence by doing that.

Some choices I made were very difficult and I don’t think I realized the ramifications of the decision I made. The decision haunts me. I try to forget about it but something always keeps it in my conscious mind. There are times that I want to just revert back to some of my old habits but I can not. It would defeat the purpose of what I have worked on for the past couple of years.

I have let my talents in some areas of my life go by the wayside. I feel like I don’t know enough and I feel like I have squandered part of my talents because I haven’t worked to improve them. I have done nothing with them.

I had a conversation today that made me sad because I was asked what I wanted most in the world…If I had one wish what would it be, and I couldn’t think of anything for me, but instead listed off things that I would do to insure that my son and my mother were taken care of. I also had a long list of things that I would do for some of my close friends and other family members. My friend commented that I hadn’t answered their question, but rather put others needs before my own.

I then realized that all of my life I had put what others wanted over what I need or want. I wonder if I was raised that way or if I learned to become that way because I no longer verbalized things that I wanted or needed because I felt that my needs and wants weren’t important enough. It saddened me, when I tried to think back to my childhood to figure out when I had learned that, because I have no recollection of anyone ever encouraging me with any dream that I had. I do remember being told that I wouldn’t be good at it. *sigh*

When I was 4 I wanted to be a dancer, I asked for lessons, but it was out of the question. I wanted to be a ballerina, I wanted to be on stage and wear the pretty dress and dance and be free. I loved to dance. I didn’t even need music I would dance to what I heard in my mind. When I was 5 I wanted to get into gymnastics and that didn’t happen. At 7 I asked for piano lessons but my parents said it wasn’t possible then. At 8 I wanted to tap dance.

I got swimming lessons instead, the lady down the street had a pool and she would charge neighbors to teach their kids. She tossed me into the deep end of the pool, I remember drinking water as I was trying to breath, I knew I was drowning. My dad had to jump in and pull me out. I was terrified of water for awhile. That summer I was enrolled in the Red Cross course and I was so scared. I cried because I didn’t want to be tossed in like the old hag had done. My instructor asked me about why I was scared and I told her she was the only one that understood. She took her time with me; she was so patient with me. At the end of the course I was swimming and diving into the deep end with no problem.

We went to Germany and we spent lots of time in the library, I ran out of books to read in the children’s side of the library and so I started spending time in the adult side. When we left Germany I was 10 and had a reading and comprehension level that would have rivaled a college students.

While in Germany I had written my Grandmother about wanting piano lessons and when we moved back to Texas she told my parents that after school once a week that I would be having lessons with her. I started crying when she told me. I look back and I can see when the pattern was set. A few years later my Grandmother moved away and

I couldn’t find a piano teacher that was close enough for me to walk to.

It’s sad that I have taught myself to accept that I don’t get to have what I want or need because I learned when I was young that what I wanted or needed didn’t really matter. People tell me that I am caring, compassionate, and unselfish. I don’t really know if I am or not. I tend to gloss over it and let it go. Perhaps there is a part of me that is selfish; that knows how to answer the questions. I don’t think I allow that side to ever show. 

*This was never posted when I wrote it.