About Cassandra

About Cassandra

Cassandra was a very good at getting what she wanted. At 15 years old she had a slave, a janitor from school that she had compromised. She used him by finding his weaknesses and exploiting them for her own pleasure. She was ruthless with him. He didn’t know what had happened and when he found out, he had been appalled by what he had done; yet excited. Cassandra enjoyed his discomfort and humiliation. She was powerful with that janitor at her feet. She revelled in her power over him. She was on top of the world. She craved more.


I didn’t realize that Cassandra had used hypnosis on him until recently. Cassandra was a ruthless mistress and tolerated nothing except his complete and total submission. When he displeased her, he was punished. She found ingenious ways to prolong his pain and humiliation. She had become quite adept with using hypnosis to torment and torture him. She showed no one any affection or love. Men were toys to be used for her pleasure. She crossed a line. Crimson had to lock her away, and made sure that she could only come out when she was needed to do her ‘job’. Her ‘job’ was to protect, avenge a wrong.


Cassandra was gone for a very long time until her interest was piqued by a very special person. He has shown her that she can trust and show love and affection to. She has found out that someone is worthy of her; that she can have what she wants and needs while fulfilling his deepest desire. Together they have explored many aspects of each other. They have yet to run out of ideas.

Remembering...

Remembering...

I was reading a blog and a particular post reminded me of my father. I guess remembering the past I see the void he left in my life; by choosing to cut me out of his life. That hurt. For a long time I blamed myself for his decision to leave.


I guess sometimes I wished he had died so that at least there was some kind of closure for us. By his choice he is not a part of our life. I really have nothing to do with him. I’m wondering now, if I just buried the hurt and didn’t deal with it then or if it has been building up.


Sometimes I think that maybe if I don’t talk about him I can forget again. But I know I shouldn’t forget. Remembering is crucial to my healing process. At some point he had been what he was supposed to be. A kind, caring, and loving father; I have to believe that. Is it wrong to feel that way? At some point he became the monster that he was supposed to protect me from. He became the monster in my personal hellish nightmare. I often wonder what changed him. What did I do to cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me that way?


In my mind I know that I am blameless, that I did nothing to deserve his mistreatment. The doubts have been inside me so long that I tend to question myself. I guess this is something that I haven’t dealt with. Is it wrong to wish someone out of existence because they hurt you so deeply; you really have no idea if your recovery will be complete?


I realize that survivors often feel guilt, self-blame, disgust, self-doubt, and suffering from low self esteem and many other things. I was so compartmentalized that I had no idea of everything I needed to work on. Learning about myself over the past year has shown me that with love, patience and time anything is possible.


I’m looking forward to the New Year. I don’t know who I will ultimately be when all of the healing is done. The question is if the healing process will ever end. I think its an on-going process that really has no end. I know that time isn’t a factor; because the mind, body and spirit heal in their own time and fashion.

Needing Balance...

Needing Balance...

I wrote this on the 8th after I had finished posting some things to make me smile and talking to someone very special to me.

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Yesterday I was in a precarious state of mind after I read the poetry from Jaeda DeWalt’s website. It hit on a few thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have felt but never expressed in any way. Even now I think I’m only dealing with a small sliver of my emotions right now. My mind is protecting me from my past and letting me deal with it a little at a time.


I posted that thought to my blog with the intention of writing something completely different. Something upbeat, but that didn’t happen. Instead I ended up typing…”I need to get my balance right now. Opening a window to the soul means you have to deal with whatever comes out. No matter what it is...” I don’t know where that thought came from; but when I thought about it I did feel out of balance, like I was teetering on a precipice. I was fortunate that someone was around that could help me find my center and re-balance.


I sometimes forget that I can’t do everything by myself; and that on occasion I need help. I have a hard time asking for help. I’m not sure why I have such a hard time doing that. I am working on modifying that habit, perhaps even changing it.


This blog of mine started as something that I could post silly things on. I never really thought that I would pour out some of my pain and happiness. It has become away for me to express myself and work toward healing myself.

The Masks We Wear

The Masks We Wear

by Janet Golden

One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and all my masks were stolen, the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives, I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”


And when I reached the marketplace...I looked up...the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time my own naked face and my soul were inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more.”
The Madman, Kahlil Gibran


Throughout the history of humanity, bridging geographical and cultural differences, we find masks. In ancient Greece, one actor often portrayed many roles or personas in one play by simply changing masks. A powerful mystical symbol, shamans and healers on every continent have worn masks to access non-ordinary states of consciousness and invoke power.


On Halloween, children and adults alike seize the opportunity to mask their identity and become someone or something else. Wearing elaborate costumes and masks, people all over the world drop inhibitions during Mardi Gras, allowing unexpressed aspects of the psyche to be revealed. Ted Andrews, in Animal-Speak, states, “When we wear a mask we are no longer who we thought. We make ourselves one with some other force. We create a doorway in the mind and in the physical a threshold that we can cross to new dimensions and new beingness.”


So, as we see, masks both conceal and reveal.


We all wear masks . . . masks fashioned of the fibers of our experiences and our perceptions of those events. Many of the masks we wear are appropriate for the task at hand, while others are false faces, donned unconsciously, presenting a false identity to the world.


I first became conscious of my masks when a wise man, to demonstrate an emotional healing process, asked me to share something about myself I really liked. I promptly replied, “My smile.” and smiled broadly. I have always been complimented on my smile. Now this wise man knew that often those things we best like about ourselves are protective masks or patterns which conceal our true identity. Employing a technique termed “exaggerating the pattern”, he asked me to smile. When smiling became uncomfortable, I would stop. He would smile and prompt me to smile again.


As we continued, I became increasingly uncomfortable, then sad, and finally began to cry. Thus I discovered my Mask of the Smiling Face, a mask I had fashioned as a very young child to conceal my real feelings. As the adult, I was still wearing this mask to conceal anger, grief, and disappointment, and often found myself smiling inappropriately.


Many years later while wearing my Healer mask, I continue to be amazed at how many (women particularly) unconsciously wear the Mask of the Smiling Face. A woman once shared the tragic story of witnessing her father’s suicide . . . the smile never left her face.


To identify some of your masks, look through the family picture album. What masks did you wear as a child? The mask of trust and innocence? The playful child? The mask of the wounded child? Did your adolescent self face the world wearing a mask of anger or rebellion? How many masks of the adult can you identify? Parent? Worker? Lover? Critic? Has your adult matured into a Wise One? What does the mask of your Wise One reveal? Fulfillment? Humor? Peace?


The ancient art of mask making, used the world over in ceremony, celebration and magic, can help you access and identify the masks you wear. You are not who you think you are...you are far greater, more powerful than you imagine; and this ritual evokes hidden parts of yourself . . . revealing the sacred self . . . the mystery of your creation . . . the face you shall become.


To make a self mask, sit in front of a mirror. Allow the false personas to fall away. Really look at yourself. What do you see? Do you want to close your eyes? Open your mouth. Close your mouth. Which feels most comfortable? Use moist plaster strips to create a cast of your face. Once dry, decorate the self-mask using paints, beads, fabrics, ribbons, feathers, jewelry, stones, and crystals. Or you might choose to cover your mask with a collage of pictures of yourself, representing the totality of your life. Maybe the mask remains undecorated, the blank canvas of the future. As you decorate, trust that you are accessing hidden aspects of yourself. The one emerging will lead you to healing . . . to transformation. To make a self-mask is to perform a conscious act of healing.


Once your mask is complete, you might place it on your altar as a symbol of spiritual power or healing. Does the mask represent some aspect of yourself that has been asleep? You could create a ritual to release that self so the new self can be awakened. I destroyed the first mask I made. She didn’t turn out as I wanted. Now I have made many masks, each healing in a unique way. My “Wise Woman Mask” hangs above my bed, journeying with me each night into dreamtime, helping me remember the wisdom of my dreams.


Now, I awaken in the morning . . . I am alone . . . maskless. As I slowly return from my dreamtime travels, I reflect upon the painting I will create on the blank canvas of this day. What masks will I wear? I first select the Mask of the Mystic as I seek my prayer altar. Meditation complete, the energy shifts, the pace quickens, and I don the Mask of Discipline as I leave to exercise. Returning, as I review my appointment book I wear my Responsibility Mask. As my day unfolds, I choose mask after mask . . . Healer, Wise Woman, Friend, Mother, Business Manager. Evening comes . . . I am alone . . . I put away all my masks and look at the woman in the mirror. I am maskless. I am at peace.


Have the courage to look at the masks you wear. As you unmask, a face fashioned of your dreams and truth . . . the sacred self . . . is called forth into expression. This wise one has the knowledge of your past, present, and future, and can reveal the masks you wear . . . allowing false personas to fall away. You become a false face healer.

Prayer for the False Face

I am a wise one.

I come from the faraway and I can lead you there.

I walk with the winds.

I am an important one.

I cling to the life of the spirit.

I am a false face healer.

I walk with the power of the sun around the mysteries of life.

I heal the mind and the heart.

I am an important one.

I am a being of sacred words.

I unravel the mysteries of your pain so that you may find courage.

I heal the mind and the heart.

May you learn to follow the sacred ways.

I am of the light and the holy ones.

I walk in the land of spirit,

And I walk on the earth.

I honor all that is sacred. Aho.

The Mask of Power,

Lynn V. Andrews

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I found this on one of my searches for something else. I didn't read it then I just saved it and figured I would need it later. Last week I found it again as I was re-organizing my folders. I read something that a friend of mine had written, so I guess you can say this topic has been on my mind since reading her post on her blog.

I realized that until recently I always wore a mask. I couldn't function without one for years. You can even say that when I look at pictures, sometimes I don't recognize myself. At least not who I was then. It is hard learning to function without masks. Especially when you used it as the only coping mechanism that you could use to stay sane. How do you measure saneness? What is saneness...it is defined as being normal or sound powers of mind; so what is normal...free from mental illness; sane; something normal; average.

I am anything but normal. Sometimes exposing myself like this scares me. I feel like crying when I read things that my friend has gone through. I hope that what I write helps her even a little bit, like her blog has helped me understand her a bit more and see into myself. She has helped me figure out things about myself. I can only hope that things I post and write help her to the degree that she has helped me.

Up until I met her, I had no one that understood what it was like to be me. She does. We have a strong bond and I hope that we can keep it that way. *huggles* Thank you for helping me through some of the rough spots.

We have several similarities but we also have things that make us unique. I love what makes us unique and similar. We are like a matched pair of jewels, sparkling and burning with the inner fire that is us. I pray that that fire never dies.

Healing...

Healing...

I used to think of myself as needing to wear a glove for different situations. I had learned to function by wearing a different glove depending on what was going on around me. It was the only way I knew how to cope with change with anything that I thought was difficult to deal with. I have been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few months. I had limited my time on-line because of health issues. A deeper reason for doing this was the need to work on healing old wounds that had been long buried deep inside.

I think it’s terrible to remember something from the past and see it go through your mind like a movie clip. The images fresh and violent - - The violence committed against US. I used to be filled with rage at the injustice! I long to right the wrongs committed but it wouldn’t do any good; the DAMAGE was done long ago. I SURVIVED! I AM NOT DAMAGED!!

Now I have to heal. Part of the process is getting the facets to work together instead of fighting each other. The facets need to know what is going on in all of the aspects of my mind and body. I needed to learn to function more fluidly without memory loss or pain. I focused my energy in becoming more cohesive. I can see me from before and me now. I am healthier. I didn’t realize how much I had changed in the past few months. I have a couple of friends that I relate to on a regular basis our relationships are comfortable, safe. With them I am just myself. I slid back into our friendship as if I had not been gone for long. On the other hand I had some friends that I felt awkward with. It wasn’t until I had started interacting with others that I noticed how drastically I had changed.

I felt the loss of myself and some of my more distinctive traits that belonged to specific facets. I guess I have to realize that the hard work that went into healing was worth it. Talking to a few friends was difficult, I was lost. I didn’t know what was expected or who I was supposed to be in that moment. I Panicked. I found it very difficult to try and slide back into those relationships because of the way the facets interacted with each person, and how those facets dealt with individual friends.

Something I remember from my past was that there was a time in my life that being touched hurt so bad that I cringed at someone wanting to hug me. The pain was constant. I thought about telling someone, anyone but I couldn’t tell. My sister’s life had been threatened. I did what an older sibling would do, protect the younger one. I wish I could have saved US. I kept my silence and buried the secrets deep inside and learned to forget about it. I protected her and my love was the weapon he chose to use against me. Sometimes I wonder how I survived my childhood.

I remember I didn’t break. I bent but I didn’t break. At times I wonder and am amazed at my capacity to love. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life. I am proud of myself and the healing I have done. Trusting is hard to do, but now I know that most people won’t manipulate me by using my emotions against me. I love my sister. I can see the good times I had with my father, I can love him in that moment but as to the rest a part of me loathes him. I prefer not feeling anything toward him. That usually means that the wound is deep, and when its time to work on that I will cry and deal with the new me and heal even more.

I wonder if this really makes sense. It seems that I tend to ramble as I write when I have a break through. I guess that doesn’t matter as long as it makes sense to me and helps me get better.

My Closest Friend

My Closest Friend

Shawn is a wonderful friend, and always there for you. He is a compassionate listener and cares a great deal for his friends and loved ones. *smiles* He is sweet and caring but he prefers being a bit snarly at times too! He holds my heart in his hands and keeps it safe; he doesn’t even know that he is my heart.







He keeps me sane when the emotions drive me to the brink of disaster. He is the cool head of reason that can ground me when I’m flying in the emotions that at times are too extreme. He doesn’t understand what he is to me. He has helped me heal old scars and discover new parts to myself. He is a miracle worker! I don’t know what I would do without him. I can’t say enough about him. Anyone would be lucky to have his friendship.





He is a part of me at times and I think he can read me like a book and at other times he needs me to share my thoughts and my words more than anything. He has been through some very tough times and I hope I lift his heart as he does mine.


I hope my words dispel the unhappiness I caused him with my thoughtlessness; I can be thoughtless at times without meaning to be. I hope he can forgive me for that. I would rather die than cause him one minute of pain or unhappiness. I consider him a treasure I was lucky to find. He is precious to me and I hope he can really see that. Forgive me.

Slipping Deeper

Slipping Deeper

Listening to your voice,

Is like having my bare skin

Caressed by the softest silk

Or the most supple of leather.

It doesn’t matter what you say,

Because it’s all in the imagery.

Painting the most seductive of

Images that can drive me wild

Just thinking about it.

You whisper such sweet phrases,

Sinking deeper with each word.

Sliding down so easily,

Letting go so completely.

Wanting.

Needing.

Craving.

Surrendering.

To the Darkness,

Only you can take me to.

Wrapped up so completely,

So easily taken deeper,

Drifting

Floating

Flowing

Sinking

Slipping

Sliding

Spiraling

Deeper.

The cadence of your mellifluous voice,

fills my mind stopping all thoughts,

Your words melting me so easily,

Sending me off into sensual warmth,

Floating in the darkness of oblivion,

Warm, content, free and safe.

You take me deeper and deeper,

Leading me with your voice.

Guiding me down to my Haven,

So easy to let go you whisper, as I respond

To your commands, to your suggestions.

Slipping deeper than before.

Kit Masters © Written November 5, 2005; 
originally posted November 7, 2005

Fly With Me

Fly With Me

I could fly

I was hurt

I stopped flying

I was safer hiding

I slept for ages

I woke up

I was scared

I was lost

I am learning to Trust

I remember who I am

I found my wings

I will fly again.

Will you fly with me?

Kit Masters © September 9, 2005

Dancing Sprites

Dancing Sprites

Midnight sky

Silvered moonbeams

Bright shining stars

Warm darkness beckons.

Shimmering water

Soothing waves lapping

Soft breeze blowing

Briny crisp fresh air.

Red-hot roaring bonfire

Cedar popping & crackling

Heat baked sand

Flames dancing merrily.

Dancing sprites

Mischievous and sassy

Giggling faeries

Delightfully joyous .

Loquacious little ones

Carefree and adorable

Adventurous imps

Vivacious and curious .

Singing sweet songs

Celebrating the moment

Bubbling laughter spilling out

Enthusiastic and unending chatting .

Iridescent faery wings

Gossamer dresses flowing

Crowns of ribbon and flowers

Long windblown tresses.

Glitter kissed faces

Big sparkly eyes

Infectious giggling

Sweet dispositions.

Protective guardians

Overseeing their antics

Quietly watching

Hearts brimming over.

Kit Masters © September 6, 2005

Dancing Faerie Girls

Dancing Faerie Girls

Dancing faery girls

Bubbling with life

Giggling with mirth

Singing with happiness

Glowing with beauty

Flying with exuberance

Healing with lots of help

Growing into Me!

Kit Masters © September 9, 2005

Tea For 4

I wrote this for my friend Susan. We had fun at the beach with Charmer our dolphin friend. Shawn took us on a magical trip to the beach. We like the beach. It was lots of fun. I hope we can do it again. Susan I hope you like this. :) Love, Nessa :P

Tea For 4


Balloon ride

Rainbows & smiles

White puffy clouds

Sweet smelling flowers

Tall mountains

Blue water

Soft warm sand

Waves of cool water

Sunny day

Gentle breeze

Vibrant flowers

Flying, splashing

Swimming, laughing

Sweet cakes, finger sandwiches

Coral & shells

Sea & sand

Playing with Charmer

Three special friends.

Nessa :P

August 28, 2005

Healing

Healing

Unkind words

Hidden scars

Laid bare

Latent emotions

Healing wounds

Memories remade

Esteem built

Soothing presence

Warm thoughts

Safe inside.

Kit Masters © August 8, 2005

*I kinda misplaced this poem and recently found it.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

This question was difficult to answer. It really threw me outside of my comfort zone. I felt blank. I was upset but I didn’t realize the emotions I felt were a direct result of being unable to answer this simple question. I thought this question was simple but it’s not simple instead it’s a very complex and it really is a hard question to answer. I was despondent. I felt like I was lost in a very big ocean on a small raft with no paddles and the sky was clouded with no stars to aid in getting my bearings. I was positively overwhelmed by my emotions. I dislike when that happens because I feel unsettled and have to deal with intense emotions. Some of the things I felt with the despondency were irritation and confusion. I felt weak even though I know I am a very strong person.

I was lucky to have someone help me figure out all the things that were causing me to have a melt down. It took several hours to find balance within. It took great care and love to see who I am, how I view myself and how others see me. I have found that I am a passionate person that feels the extremes of emotions and at times I don’t know how to deal with them. I am an intelligent person, who can rationalize and think. I am a person that can be tough, strong & hard, or soft, sweet & innocent or anything in between. Sometimes the things in between are more difficult to deal with. I am a very creative person. I enjoy making/creating things that have color and are pleasing to the eyes. I am a very special person. I am unique. I exist in this time and place for specific reasons even if I don’t know what they are. I am working on getting to know more about myself.

When I Sleep Deep

When I Sleep Deep

Anger boiling

Below the surface

Tears burning

To slide down

Disappointment clouding

My mind and thoughts

Words leaving

Speech failing me

Deep inside

A need to run & hide

Divided needs

Want to leave, have to stay

Always justifying

Small things and changes

Endless questioning

Driving me mad

Exploding rage

Flashes of hurt

Tears flowing

As I feel the pain

Letting go

Is what I would rather do

Bleeding inside

Unseen wounds, tormented again

Curls up

Into a tight ball and sleeps

Nothing touches

Me when I sleep

Nothing torments

Me when I sleep deep.

Kit Masters © August 4, 2005