Remembering...

Remembering...

I was reading a blog and a particular post reminded me of my father. I guess remembering the past I see the void he left in my life; by choosing to cut me out of his life. That hurt. For a long time I blamed myself for his decision to leave.


I guess sometimes I wished he had died so that at least there was some kind of closure for us. By his choice he is not a part of our life. I really have nothing to do with him. I’m wondering now, if I just buried the hurt and didn’t deal with it then or if it has been building up.


Sometimes I think that maybe if I don’t talk about him I can forget again. But I know I shouldn’t forget. Remembering is crucial to my healing process. At some point he had been what he was supposed to be. A kind, caring, and loving father; I have to believe that. Is it wrong to feel that way? At some point he became the monster that he was supposed to protect me from. He became the monster in my personal hellish nightmare. I often wonder what changed him. What did I do to cause him to hate me so much that he would hurt me that way?


In my mind I know that I am blameless, that I did nothing to deserve his mistreatment. The doubts have been inside me so long that I tend to question myself. I guess this is something that I haven’t dealt with. Is it wrong to wish someone out of existence because they hurt you so deeply; you really have no idea if your recovery will be complete?


I realize that survivors often feel guilt, self-blame, disgust, self-doubt, and suffering from low self esteem and many other things. I was so compartmentalized that I had no idea of everything I needed to work on. Learning about myself over the past year has shown me that with love, patience and time anything is possible.


I’m looking forward to the New Year. I don’t know who I will ultimately be when all of the healing is done. The question is if the healing process will ever end. I think its an on-going process that really has no end. I know that time isn’t a factor; because the mind, body and spirit heal in their own time and fashion.