Happy Independence Day!!!

Happy Independence Day!!!

I love watching fireworks displays because there are so many colors and the sounds are exciting. I ooh and aah with each one that I see it’s like I'm a child again. Fireworks fascinate me the colors and different types, someone tried explaining it to me, but I didn't want to know I just wanted to see the pretty colors and be child-like in my enjoyment.

I hope that everyone has a festive and fun filled day, be safe and enjoy the fireworks, because I am!

My Random Thoughts

My Random Thoughts

I haven't written anything in a while and I dislike feeling like I'm not being creative. I haven't been able to focus on things that I do want to write when I do start on something. I have started several different stories or poems and I haven't been able to finish any of them.  It makes me sad that I can't complete something that I love.

I have misplaced my confidence in myself for some reason; I seem to be second guessing myself and choices that I have made recently. It's disconcerting and I think I undermine my self-confidence by doing that.

Some choices I made were very difficult and I don’t think I realized the ramifications of the decision I made. The decision haunts me. I try to forget about it but something always keeps it in my conscious mind. There are times that I want to just revert back to some of my old habits but I can not. It would defeat the purpose of what I have worked on for the past couple of years.

I have let my talents in some areas of my life go by the wayside. I feel like I don’t know enough and I feel like I have squandered part of my talents because I haven’t worked to improve them. I have done nothing with them.

I had a conversation today that made me sad because I was asked what I wanted most in the world…If I had one wish what would it be, and I couldn’t think of anything for me, but instead listed off things that I would do to insure that my son and my mother were taken care of. I also had a long list of things that I would do for some of my close friends and other family members. My friend commented that I hadn’t answered their question, but rather put others needs before my own.

I then realized that all of my life I had put what others wanted over what I need or want. I wonder if I was raised that way or if I learned to become that way because I no longer verbalized things that I wanted or needed because I felt that my needs and wants weren’t important enough. It saddened me, when I tried to think back to my childhood to figure out when I had learned that, because I have no recollection of anyone ever encouraging me with any dream that I had. I do remember being told that I wouldn’t be good at it. *sigh*

When I was 4 I wanted to be a dancer, I asked for lessons, but it was out of the question. I wanted to be a ballerina, I wanted to be on stage and wear the pretty dress and dance and be free. I loved to dance. I didn’t even need music I would dance to what I heard in my mind. When I was 5 I wanted to get into gymnastics and that didn’t happen. At 7 I asked for piano lessons but my parents said it wasn’t possible then. At 8 I wanted to tap dance.

I got swimming lessons instead, the lady down the street had a pool and she would charge neighbors to teach their kids. She tossed me into the deep end of the pool, I remember drinking water as I was trying to breath, I knew I was drowning. My dad had to jump in and pull me out. I was terrified of water for awhile. That summer I was enrolled in the Red Cross course and I was so scared. I cried because I didn’t want to be tossed in like the old hag had done. My instructor asked me about why I was scared and I told her she was the only one that understood. She took her time with me; she was so patient with me. At the end of the course I was swimming and diving into the deep end with no problem.

We went to Germany and we spent lots of time in the library, I ran out of books to read in the children’s side of the library and so I started spending time in the adult side. When we left Germany I was 10 and had a reading and comprehension level that would have rivaled a college students.

While in Germany I had written my Grandmother about wanting piano lessons and when we moved back to Texas she told my parents that after school once a week that I would be having lessons with her. I started crying when she told me. I look back and I can see when the pattern was set. A few years later my Grandmother moved away and

I couldn’t find a piano teacher that was close enough for me to walk to.

It’s sad that I have taught myself to accept that I don’t get to have what I want or need because I learned when I was young that what I wanted or needed didn’t really matter. People tell me that I am caring, compassionate, and unselfish. I don’t really know if I am or not. I tend to gloss over it and let it go. Perhaps there is a part of me that is selfish; that knows how to answer the questions. I don’t think I allow that side to ever show. 

*This was never posted when I wrote it.

What's Real...?

What's Real...? 

Have you ever let someone in? For several years I kept myself contained not allowing anyone in because I feared getting hurt again. Then I met someone very special and I let them help me. I did that person a huge disservice because I began to depend on him to help me. I forgot that I should not have let myself get to that point. Now after figuring out all of this I don’t know how to act or behave with my friend.

My first instinct was to hide my hurt, but I couldn’t do that because I was hurting too much. I couldn’t hide it not even with my skills. I wanted to sleep until the pain went away but I had promised that I wouldn’t do that. I think I have forgotten how to be a friend. I was selfish thinking only of myself when he was showing me reality again. I didn’t want to see it because I’m scared of what will happen.

I used to be creative and I haven’t created anything in a long time, I don’t have the energy to be creative. I hurt deep inside and I feel like my anchor is gone and I’m drifting into the whirlpool. I’m torn I want to sleep for a long time and let my friends drift away so that I can heal. I thought about walking away but that would break my heart. Perhaps I am trying to drive him away.

I can’t remember what it was like to be just a friend to him, we have become so much more, now pieces have to be set aside so that he can be happy. In doing what he wants I will be closing parts of me off so that I can survive without those needs to distract me. I guess I decided to do whatever he wanted, so that he wouldn’t notice that I will not let my needs come to the surface again. I don’t know if I can handle being less than what I am now.

I don’t know what’s wrong everything has changed; but I can feel that everything has. Maybe I’m the one that has been irrevocably changed. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. Perhaps I did something so terrible to deserve this path. I wish I knew what I did because maybe I wouldn’t pick the same path. I guess I’m hurting wondering if I made the right choice so long ago. I don’t regret that choices I have made so far. I hope that I live long enough to collect my prize.

I hurt because I didn’t see what was happening, and that someone else saw it, it hurts that I never thought about you needing someone, it hurts that I cant be the one right now, it hurts that I feel inadequate inside, it hurts that I didn't think about what you needed, it hurts that I was so selfish that I didn't want my fantasy world ripped apart, it hurts that my fantasies were more real than reality, it hurts that I want my fantasy world back, it hurts that I have to live in a reality that I created, a reality that lacks happiness.

*I never posted this because I didn't want to hurt anyone more.

Living A Fantasy

Living A Fantasy

Living a fantasy

Reality but a dream

Fantasy being reality

In my broken mind

Perhaps made up

Like gossamer dreams

Reality crashed through

My mind spiraled

My fantasy world

Smashed

Gone

Fantasy more real

Than reality

Plummeted into darkness

Floundering

No haven

Hopelessness abounds

One conversation

One innocent remark

Devastating pain

My world is gone

Broken beyond repair

I release you from

The guilt you feel

The torment you feel

The pain you feel

Your promises I treasure

Your love a precious gift

One year I have loved you

Each memory stored

For one year I know

That I was loved for myself

Walls taken down

They will be rebuilt

Stronger

For you I will let you go

Forgetting is so easily done

You no longer need me

My love more damaging than

Anything can be

A love forbidden

Now torments him

Love blossomed

It was beyond my control

Now that love

Must die

I can not love

I must let go

To spare him

I will become ice inside

When he leaves

The barriers will never

Come down again

To have loved so deeply

Means that I will hurt even more

Pieces united will go away

A new and stronger one

Will be ruthless again

Letting no one cross

The threshold of love

One person’s words

Destroyed me

Destroyed my

Hopes and dreams

Perhaps it’s meant to be this way

I shouldn’t have love

I don’t deserve it.

This has spiraled

It has touched each one

Bleeding inside

Weeping for the loss

Innocence unprotected

From the fatal blow

Foolish I was

Maybe I’m the fantasy

Hurtful words whispered

By an unkind

Unseen enemy

No safe haven

The abyss calls

The pull becomes stronger

The point of breaking

Looms closer

Tears course as I write

His freedom is his

I have no hold over him

Corrupter of one

Honorable & true

Predator

Taking what’s desired

Unworthy

Of My Love

Heartbroken

Heart wrenching discovery

Tormented

Beyond mercy

Precious soul

Lost in the pain

Imprisoned

By my love

Inconsiderate

Blinded by love

Whispered

Words slicing

At my mind

Strength wanes

Hopelessness wanes

The hollowness

Fills me again

Where once love existed

Emptiness now rules

A love so bright & pure

Tarnished by actions &

Words spoken thoughtlessly

Silent contemplation

Leaves quiet resolve

Soothing energy

Flowing healing

The chasm closing

2 hearts healing

Emptiness filled

With love.

Kit Masters © March 26, 2006

Missing Pussycat...

Missing Pussycat...

Have you ever lost someone that was important to you? Well I have lost many over the years but it was because it was easier to let them go and close the book on that chapter in my life. Being an Army brat does that, I learned to not count on friends after the chapter closed, I learned that I could forget about them and start over again and again.

Last year I lost one of my girlfriends, I still blame myself; I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I was cleaning out my e-mail and she had sent me a card saying that she loved me and our friendship because I never asked her for anything. I was always there to listen to her rambling or ranting rain or shine. I would remind her of silly things and of not so silly things. The card said a lot. I felt like a fraud when I read it after she died. There was a connection with us that we both treasured. I miss her!

Well today I needed someone and I went to message her, then I remembered that she was gone. She is still on my friends list; I can’t make myself delete her id. I needed to talk to her so very badly. I went to her blog and wrote a comment to the last blog post she had made. I decided to write her what I was thinking. Only thing is I know she will never answer me again. But this is what I wrote her. I loved her, she was another sister to me.

God Pussycat, I misssss you soooooooooo much!!!!*huggles you, crying* you were my other girlfriend, my late night buddy, my room hopping, creating outrageous ids, fractal making, best friend!!! I just miss talking to you; you could always get through to me when I was feeling this way. I feel like I'm spiraling deep into that abyss. Like there isn't anything to save me from myself.

I wish you were still here, I feel better writing to you; even though I know that you are gone. When I find silly, interesting links my first thought is to send it to you and then I remember that you are gone. So much that I do reminds me of you. I will always miss you! Love, Minxy

I still hurt because I miss her so much. This week has been traumatic for me because of things beyond my control. I guess I’m a control freak. I want to curl up and sleep for a time. But promises made keep me from doing that. It feels like I need respite before I break again.

The Abyss

The Abyss

The Abyss

Always duty

Always others

Before self

Screams raging

Freedom withheld

Caged

No release

Deepest needs

Always ignored

Loved

Tears fall

Blindfold

Ripped away

Hidden things

Shown

Leaving self

Vulnerable

Unprotected heart

Shredded

Pain is left

Always pain

It’s comfortable

After time passes

You can survive

Bury the pain

Ignore it

It will go

Perhaps sanity

Will go too

Senseless hurt

Should never

Ask the question

The answers

Can devastate

Nothing soothes

Nothing helps

The abyss

Waits

The darkness

Grows deeper

Darker

The abyss

Is there

Waiting

Like a panther

Stalking

Patient

Wants

Needs

Desires

Ignored

Always duty

Always cold

No reprieve

In sight

Caged

Marking time

Spiraling

Into the abyss

So quiet

So dark

So deep

So nothing

The abyss

Waits

Always waiting

Nothing

Except the

Abyss

Always there

No escape

The abyss

So inviting

Needs

Wants

Desires

Left in the

Cold abyss

Nothing

Penetrates

The abyss

Holds secrets

Spiraling into

Darkness

The abyss

Calls to me.

Kit Masters © March 24, 2006

One Year Together

One Year Together

We have had one year together

Growing toward one another

Expanding our horizons

Learning about each other

Gradually gaining knowledge

Becoming better acquainted

Chatting late into the night

Sleepless nights no longer spent alone

I had spiraled deep inside

Helping you coaxed me out

Learning to trust each other

I couldn’t accept help from you

I was more comfortable helping you

Letting go wasn’t easy

Switching with you was delicious

You were so patient

You were shown bright slivers

You started collecting them

Carefully handling them

You didn’t walk away

You had numerous opportunities

I was rewarded with your loving friendship.

Kit Masters © February 24, 2006

Slivers - poem

 Slivers

Slivers sliding into place

Thoughts forming, wavering

Ideas needing to be expressed

Memories slowly recovered

Taking back what was missing

Surviving isn’t enough

Healing is important.

Kit Masters © February 24, 2006

Still Mourning

Still Mourning

Still Mourning

Screams fill my mind

As tears fall silently

The injustice stings

The pain deepens

Darkness calls me

Pain is so much

I need to forget

I need to bury it

The darkness beckons

No reprieve in sight

The burden weighs heavy

The anger and grief

Choking me

Another life taken

Another friend gone

The cycle of loss

Continuing indiscriminately

Wondering when will it end?

All this loss and pain

Rips open my heart

As I remember

Others taken too soon.

Kit Masters © February 22, 2006