What's Real...?

What's Real...? 

Have you ever let someone in? For several years I kept myself contained not allowing anyone in because I feared getting hurt again. Then I met someone very special and I let them help me. I did that person a huge disservice because I began to depend on him to help me. I forgot that I should not have let myself get to that point. Now after figuring out all of this I don’t know how to act or behave with my friend.

My first instinct was to hide my hurt, but I couldn’t do that because I was hurting too much. I couldn’t hide it not even with my skills. I wanted to sleep until the pain went away but I had promised that I wouldn’t do that. I think I have forgotten how to be a friend. I was selfish thinking only of myself when he was showing me reality again. I didn’t want to see it because I’m scared of what will happen.

I used to be creative and I haven’t created anything in a long time, I don’t have the energy to be creative. I hurt deep inside and I feel like my anchor is gone and I’m drifting into the whirlpool. I’m torn I want to sleep for a long time and let my friends drift away so that I can heal. I thought about walking away but that would break my heart. Perhaps I am trying to drive him away.

I can’t remember what it was like to be just a friend to him, we have become so much more, now pieces have to be set aside so that he can be happy. In doing what he wants I will be closing parts of me off so that I can survive without those needs to distract me. I guess I decided to do whatever he wanted, so that he wouldn’t notice that I will not let my needs come to the surface again. I don’t know if I can handle being less than what I am now.

I don’t know what’s wrong everything has changed; but I can feel that everything has. Maybe I’m the one that has been irrevocably changed. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. Perhaps I did something so terrible to deserve this path. I wish I knew what I did because maybe I wouldn’t pick the same path. I guess I’m hurting wondering if I made the right choice so long ago. I don’t regret that choices I have made so far. I hope that I live long enough to collect my prize.

I hurt because I didn’t see what was happening, and that someone else saw it, it hurts that I never thought about you needing someone, it hurts that I cant be the one right now, it hurts that I feel inadequate inside, it hurts that I didn't think about what you needed, it hurts that I was so selfish that I didn't want my fantasy world ripped apart, it hurts that my fantasies were more real than reality, it hurts that I want my fantasy world back, it hurts that I have to live in a reality that I created, a reality that lacks happiness.

*I never posted this because I didn't want to hurt anyone more.