Ripples In Time

Ripples In Time

Thoughts words and actions

Have lasting affects on everything

A melodious tone of voice

The engaging sound of laughter

A soft caring and healing touch

A kiss full of innocent surrender

Showing love and affection

Can mean the difference

In life and how you respond

To others and even ourselves.

Kit Masters © June 21, 2005

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love




Unconditional love,
Absolute acceptance,
Unrestrained heart,
Trustworthy confidant,
Unwavering loyalty.
An afflicted heart
Can heal with love.
An exceptional person
Can spark that process.




Kit Masters © June 21, 2005

Transformation

Transformation

Blinding rage

Searing pain

Anguished mind

Disassociation

Difficult

Hidden past

Lost key

Mindlessness needed

Blank mind

Growing shadows

Engulfing darkness.

Soothing pain

Healing love

Tranquil mind

Association

Rewarding

Recovered past

Gifted key

Mindful need

Surfacing thoughts

Lifting fog

Blinding light.

Kit Masters © June 21, 2005

Smokin' In The Boys Room

Smokin' In The Boys Room

Sittin' in the classroom thinkin' it's a drag

Listening to the teacher rap-just ain't my bag

By the two bells ring you know it's my cue

Gonna meet the boys on floor number 2

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Checkin' out the halls makin' sure the coast is clear

Lookin' in the stalls-nah, there ain't nobody here

My buddies Sixx, Mick & Tom

To get caught would surely be the death of us all

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Put me to work in the school book store

Check-out counter and I got bored

Teacher was lookin' for me all around

Two hours later you know where I was found

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Now teacher I ain't foolin' around with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

One more time

Smokin' in the boys room

Smokin' in the boys room

Now teacher I ain't foolin' around with your rules

Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Lyrics by Brownsville Station, I prefer the Motley Crue version

*****************

This song reminds me of high school. For a few years I was the epitome of TROUBLE!!! *laughs* now I'm reformed I got my halo back. For a time I was wild and ignored the rules...anyone’s rules except my own. I knew everyone, I knew how to get what I wanted, and most of the time I did get what I wanted. I was a force to be reckoned with.

I remember telling teachers when I thought they were mistaken on information they were sharing and at times I didn't really care about their feelings because it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was right. *shakes head* I was a hard calloused teenager at times, perhaps even a brat.

There are times looking back I wonder how I survived high school. Parts are like a daze, like I was a ghost for part of the time, and the other part is so very vivid because I was a troublemaker according to friends from church. I was labeled that because I befriended a few people that were considered to be 'pot heads'. *laughs* I enjoyed my time as a troublemaker because I didn't have to pretend to be innocent, nice or sweet. I had seen too much and lived through different things they didn’t know how to treat me.

*smiles* It was much easier to be a bad girl; I was very good at it. Now I'm even better. *smiles wickedly* I did smoke in the boys room, among other places. The first time I did it smoke in there was because one of the guys said I bet you won’t smoke in there, and he pointed to the boys room across from the main office. I boldly saunter over there and smiled at him as I went in, I let the other guys know I was in there and I lit up a cigarette and smoked it waiting for the one that dared me to wander in. He finally did and I mentioned that I preferred smokin’ in there than in the girl’s restroom because of the hairspray that was always being used. *LMFAO* That was the last time he dared me to do anything.

There are a few things that haven't changed as I have grown older. I don't like being told who I can be friends with. People that have tried to make me choose between friends quickly found themselves outside of my realm of existence. They were no longer part of my life. I wasn't a very forgiving person either, but that is something I have learned to become. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and family that I love that hasn’t changed.

You're So Beautiful

You're So Beautiful

You say all I do is think about you

That's right, you're the only thing that's on my mind

Your light, won't you let it shine on me, yeah

All night, hold me tight and don't let go

'Cause I can't help myself, you know

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

I know what I got, I know that it's hot

And you're what I want

You're so beautiful

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

One thing on my mind

I'm so in love and so alive

You're so beautiful

Yeah, an angel from the sky

The sparkle in my eye

I can't believe you're mine

Na na na na naaah, na na na naaaah

Sometimes, I slip and slide through my emotions

So high, take me up and spin me 'round

'Cause I don't wanna come back down

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

I know what I got, I know that it's hot

And you're what I want

You're so beautiful

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

One thing on my mind

I'm so in love and so alive

You're so beautiful

Yeah, an angel from the sky

The sparkle in my eye

I can't believe you're mine

Na na na na naaah, na na na naaaah

It's okay, it's all right

You're so beautiful, so beautiful

I can't believe you're mine

An angel from the sky

The sparkle in my eye

Just barely in time

Na na na na naaah, na na na naaaah

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

I know what I got, I know that it's hot

And you're what I want

You're so beautiful

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

One thing on my mind

I'm so in love and so alive

You're so beautiful

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

You're under my skin

My head's in a spin

Again and again

You're so beautiful

It's okay, all right, all good, all right

I look in your eyes

I'm so in love and so alive

You're so beautiful

It's okay, it's all right, it's all good, it's all right

You're so beautiful

It's okay, it's all right, it's all good, it's all right

You're so beautiful.

Lyrics by Def Leppard

***************

*smiles* This one reminds me that someone thinks I'm beautiful and perhaps it is finally sinking in. It's entirely possible that I am really starting to believe it. *kisses* Thank You!!!

Forget To Remember

Forget To Remember

What have I done?

Where have I come from?

When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass

Did I seal the loss that’s become me?

Feeling undone

What have I become?

When I turned my back on you

I turned my back on myself

And became this machine

Thoughtlessness, selfishness, hopelessness, arrogant

I feel it on the inside (inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Shadows in the sun

Filter through us

Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child confession rejected

We grow up

To give up

People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back

Through the words of surrender

Emptiness, loneliness, listlessness, worthless

I feel it on the inside (Inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Oh can you save me from myself? (Myself)

From these memories?

Oh can you save me from myself? (Myself)

From these memories?

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

Surrender to the secrets

Inside

Lies within you

I feel it on the inside (Inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Can’t feel you on the inside (Inside)

Set down the bag and left it

Lost memory has left me

One again

Open up the inside (Inside)

Admission for the cleansing

Now that I’ve forgotten to remember

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

Lyrics by Mudvayne

*********************

These lyrics do not sound like the person I am now; but a year ago parts of this song was how I felt. Looking back I know I have grown past that day. It was perhaps the longest day that I remember being such a physical drain on me.

I realize now that stress left unattended can become a very big problem. Everyday stresses can pile up until you break or explode. I almost broke under the strain I was under. An acquaintance I had been chatting to for a few years was upset because I wasn't doing everything they needed or wanted me too. At that moment I couldn't be what they needed because I needed a friend and all they could do was chastise me for something I had not done.

It crashed on top of me and the pain I felt was excruciating it hurt so bad I just wanted to curl up and just go to sleep and be numb. Then the logical part of me said: Why are you feeling this way you aren’t bleeding. You aren’t injured. You can’t feel this way. Then the emotional part of me said: You want hurt and pain? Then I had an intense need to get a razor blade or a knife and make a wound so that the pain would be justified. I cried and screamed while looking at the knife, I growled at it, hissed at it, clawed myself up against the craving. The music in my head was loud and pounding it fit with the way I felt. I was so angry that I had fallen so low that I was so unlike my ‘normal’ self.

I fought for 8 hours with those feelings and it was the longest, hardest day I had lived through. Survived would be a more appropriate word for it. I survived when I didn’t think I would. I didn’t injure myself with that knife. I know I am a strong person and that day I was the strongest I had ever been and I am much happier now knowing that I didn’t give into that need to injure myself.

Perhaps you are wondering what changed for me. I try not to let stress build up. I try really hard to let things go if I can’t fix it in a few minutes. Mainly it depends on what it is and I set a time limit and if I can’t find a solution within that time span I let it go. I have a group of very caring friends. I decided that knowing a lot of people didn’t make them all friends. They had their own agenda. I became a more fastidious person when it came to choosing friends. Let me tell you I hit the jackpot with my circle of friends. A few in particular I want them to know how much they mean to me. They have helped me stay balanced and sane when the stress starts to build up. I dearly love and treasure them because of who they are and not what they can do for me. *smiles* enough about that for now.

I hope everyone that reads this takes the time to de-stress and to think about their friends. I want mine to know how much they mean to me. I love each one. It’s kind of funny how I ended up writing this. I was listening to music and went looking for the lyrics and read them and decided that the song was dark and sad. Then I realized that the words did seem to fit me during a time when I thought I was weak. *smiles* I told my friend what happened but I didn’t really explain how bad it had been. The first thing they did was hugged me. They just wanted to hold me and shower me will love. Thank you for that. It was soothing to feel all the love flowing from my friend. This particular friend has a way of soothing all the hurt away and encouraging me to grow and be strong because it is what I am. I just hope I am there for my friends as much as they are for me.

Comfortably Numb

Comfortably Numb

Hello,

Is there anybody in there

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone at home

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again

Relax

I'll need some information first

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

O.K.

Just a little pin prick

There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

And I have become

Comfortably numb.

Lyrics by Pink Floyd

*************

This used to be how I would react to pain and hurt but someone that I care for very much taught me that being numb isn't always the answer. Letting it out is easier when you feel safe and have someone that isn't going to judge you no matter what you say or do.

Re-learning this lesson is a hard one when you think you would never have someone that was going to believe in you and take your word. Deep rooted pain takes a long time to heal and it is easier to love and be loved when the pain is gone.

Pain has a job to do, it's there to let you know you are hurting, but the pain needs to go away after you acknowledge it. Festering pain hurts even more over time because it never allows you to get past it without a great deal of hard work. That festering pain can taint you and make the good things in your life feel like it isn't precious. Letting go of that burden makes it easier to move onto the sweeter things in life.

I made a list of the sweet things in my life: they are my family, my treasured friends, and my silly pets. It's a short list but to the point I think. Including the snarly males in my life. :)