Forget To Remember

Forget To Remember

What have I done?

Where have I come from?

When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass

Did I seal the loss that’s become me?

Feeling undone

What have I become?

When I turned my back on you

I turned my back on myself

And became this machine

Thoughtlessness, selfishness, hopelessness, arrogant

I feel it on the inside (inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Shadows in the sun

Filter through us

Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child confession rejected

We grow up

To give up

People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back

Through the words of surrender

Emptiness, loneliness, listlessness, worthless

I feel it on the inside (Inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Oh can you save me from myself? (Myself)

From these memories?

Oh can you save me from myself? (Myself)

From these memories?

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

Surrender to the secrets

Inside

Lies within you

I feel it on the inside (Inside)

Twisting and contorting

Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside (Inside)

Biting through and stinging

Will I ever forget to remember?

Can’t feel you on the inside (Inside)

Set down the bag and left it

Lost memory has left me

One again

Open up the inside (Inside)

Admission for the cleansing

Now that I’ve forgotten to remember

Surrender

To the shadows

Haunting inside

Bleed through you

Lyrics by Mudvayne

*********************

These lyrics do not sound like the person I am now; but a year ago parts of this song was how I felt. Looking back I know I have grown past that day. It was perhaps the longest day that I remember being such a physical drain on me.

I realize now that stress left unattended can become a very big problem. Everyday stresses can pile up until you break or explode. I almost broke under the strain I was under. An acquaintance I had been chatting to for a few years was upset because I wasn't doing everything they needed or wanted me too. At that moment I couldn't be what they needed because I needed a friend and all they could do was chastise me for something I had not done.

It crashed on top of me and the pain I felt was excruciating it hurt so bad I just wanted to curl up and just go to sleep and be numb. Then the logical part of me said: Why are you feeling this way you aren’t bleeding. You aren’t injured. You can’t feel this way. Then the emotional part of me said: You want hurt and pain? Then I had an intense need to get a razor blade or a knife and make a wound so that the pain would be justified. I cried and screamed while looking at the knife, I growled at it, hissed at it, clawed myself up against the craving. The music in my head was loud and pounding it fit with the way I felt. I was so angry that I had fallen so low that I was so unlike my ‘normal’ self.

I fought for 8 hours with those feelings and it was the longest, hardest day I had lived through. Survived would be a more appropriate word for it. I survived when I didn’t think I would. I didn’t injure myself with that knife. I know I am a strong person and that day I was the strongest I had ever been and I am much happier now knowing that I didn’t give into that need to injure myself.

Perhaps you are wondering what changed for me. I try not to let stress build up. I try really hard to let things go if I can’t fix it in a few minutes. Mainly it depends on what it is and I set a time limit and if I can’t find a solution within that time span I let it go. I have a group of very caring friends. I decided that knowing a lot of people didn’t make them all friends. They had their own agenda. I became a more fastidious person when it came to choosing friends. Let me tell you I hit the jackpot with my circle of friends. A few in particular I want them to know how much they mean to me. They have helped me stay balanced and sane when the stress starts to build up. I dearly love and treasure them because of who they are and not what they can do for me. *smiles* enough about that for now.

I hope everyone that reads this takes the time to de-stress and to think about their friends. I want mine to know how much they mean to me. I love each one. It’s kind of funny how I ended up writing this. I was listening to music and went looking for the lyrics and read them and decided that the song was dark and sad. Then I realized that the words did seem to fit me during a time when I thought I was weak. *smiles* I told my friend what happened but I didn’t really explain how bad it had been. The first thing they did was hugged me. They just wanted to hold me and shower me will love. Thank you for that. It was soothing to feel all the love flowing from my friend. This particular friend has a way of soothing all the hurt away and encouraging me to grow and be strong because it is what I am. I just hope I am there for my friends as much as they are for me.