Forgiving Myself

Forgiving Myself

I let down my precious one by not keeping my word today, I can’t fix it. I sometimes feel like I use my having multiples as an excuse for forgetting or doing something that hurts him.

This doesn’t make sense. I ruined today for him and there is no way I can’t make it up to him. When he reads this he will comfort me and soothe me but it will only make me feel guiltier. While we were talking I couldn’t tell him what I was feeling because I’m a mess. I hurt him for no reason. I hate myself when I get like this! The first thought in my mind was to hurt myself to make it better. 


But I have worked hard to get past this kind of reaction. This is the second time in 22 months that I last thought about hurting myself. At least on the level of being scared to be in the kitchen because of the knives that are kept there.
 

It’s always a physical battle to stay away from that option. But today I won because I didn’t spiral down into that place. I made a choice. Writing about it makes it a bit easier to work through.

I know he is going to be upset that I didn’t tell him about what I was feeling but I really didn’t know how bad this was until after we got off the phone. It always seems that when we make plans I seem to sabotage it in some way. I don’t know why. I feel lost sometimes perhaps I delude myself thinking that I am healing maybe I have gotten so good at pretending that I am not suffering black outs and times I forget stuff. 


Could it be that I have just gotten better at concealing things and deceiving those around me? I truly don’t know. I hope that I am healing. I feel guilty because I’m not what I should be. I always hurt him when I get this way. I wonder if I do it on purpose; perhaps to drive him away before he can decide he doesn’t want me any more. Logically I know he doesn’t feel that way about me.

He is so wonderful; he has such a big heart. He always helps me through the rough spots. He always forgives me, comforts me and always tries to find a way to soothe me. He doesn’t know how much he means to me. Or even what I wouldn’t do for him. He forgives me. Yet I have a hard time forgiving myself.